“‘Careful with fire’ is good advice we know. ‘Careful with words’ is ten times doubly so.” ~~William Carleton
What are your values, your hopes, your dreams and desires? What are your excuses, your justifications, your judgements and regrets? What is your history? You would be hard pressed to answer these without the use of language. As social beings, we communicate all day: we listen to the radio, we have the TV on, we chat on the internet and take cell phone calls in the middle of dinner. We are constantly talking! But how often do we really listen? How often do we question what we say? How often do we wonder where our opinions come from, the “reality” we support or even words we use? And why are these questions important?
The thoughts we have and the language we use is imperative to understanding ourselves; where we are coming from, where we want to go, how we are going to get there and what’s holding us back. Language organizes our thoughts and provides us a point of reference and a point of view from which we see the world and our place in it. In essence, our use of language determines our perception of reality.
The truth is, we rarely think about the words we choose to use, or how we choose to use them. We are often quick to find offense with someone else’s Freudian slip, or refuse to forgive someones regret over having said something that wasn’t meant to be said out loud. Many a family feud begins with a miscommunication and how often don’t you hear someone, or maybe you have said yourself, “that wasn’t what I meant”.
The first step to any change is knowing what needs to be changed. A good place to start is by being aware of our thoughts. By paying attention to our speech we can learn what kind of attitudes we carry and the kind of energy we project; we gather important information about ourselves, information we may not have been aware of consciously. Is what we are saying aligned to the vision of what we want to accomplish? Reflection upon this can help us to focus our energy appropriately and help move us towards the transitions we long for.
Here is an exercise you might wish to try. It involves the use of the conjunction “but”. We use this word constantly in our daily interactions and yet, we rarely consider how we are using it and what ideas are being conveyed in our words. ”But” is not only a joining of two phrases, it is also a denial of the first phrase in that sentence. Whatever comes after “but” is usually a justification, an excuse, a correction or a contradiction to whatever came before; it’s a refusal to affirm the initial phrase. I know this is wordy, but stick with me a little longer…
Here are a couple of examples:
“I love what you did to your hair, but don’t you think it’s too short?”
“I think you have a great proposal there, but you might consider revising a few details.”
“I am no gossip, but have you heard the latest about so-n-so?”
“I didn’t want to hurt your feelings, but the truth is…”
Consider this last sentence in particular. We use it so much! Now let’s say one’s goal is to create and maintain peaceful interactions with friends and family. The last thing you want to do is purposefully hurt someones feelings. We do not need to volunteer our opinion if we know our words will offend. What if they ask? Only because we have been asked a question does not give us free reign to stomp on peoples feelings. On the contrary! When we are asked our opinion, it’s not really wanted; what is wanted is support, acknowledgement, a confirmation that they have made the right choice; be that about their outfit or their latest companion.
Don’t take my word for it, look in your own experiences. When we ask for an opinion is when we are in most need of support.
If we truly do not wish to hurt someone’s feelings we will refrain from stating whatever our “truth” may be, or we may consider sharing a “truth” that is more positive. Our awareness allows us to act with integrity , not only with others, but with our selves as well. This omission or replacement is in alignment with our peacekeeping goals.
So the exercise is to notice just this one word. How often do YOU use the word “but” in your daily communication? How often is it used to devalue another’s feelings, thoughts, ideas and opinions? How often is it used to create excuses or justifications for actions we may not be quite proud of or contradicts our stated goals?
Now that you have this information, how will you use it to support your goals?
